Today I received my first paycheck from the new job. Holla! Good stuff, right? Well, sorta...
I instantly felt a surge of adrenaline and anxiety as I started making a mental list of all the stuff I wanted to buy with my new monies. Visions of gourmet kitchen gadgets, fabulous new shoes, shiny baubles and hot stone massages danced in my head. And that's fine. It's nice to enjoy some delights via the fruits of one's labor.
But I'm trying to learn what it means to be intentional in my spending. I am admittedly drawn to the new, the shiny, the consumerism of it all. (I at least reuse shopping bags. That's something, right?!) But, duh, it doesn't last. My joy in bringing home a lovely new blouse is quickly eclipsed by my bizarre preoccupation with trying not to wear the same outfit more than once. (It doesn't bother me in the slightest when other people do it, for the record.) And so the new becomes old (or at least older) and pretty soon I'm not nearly as jazzed when I see the item hanging in my closet. (And this goes for any new stuff, not just clothing.)
It's a vicious cycle to be chasing stuff, especially when I don't genuinly yearn for anything purchaseable (Word? Maybe?). My wants are all the more emphazised (or created, in some cases) when I am around others who dress they way I want to, or are groomed the way I want to be (I forgot how expensive it is to keep perfectly maintained hair, skin, nails, etc...Holy beauty racket, Batman!), or who have pretty stuff that I now must own upon seeing said stuff.
The bottomline: Stuff doesn't satisfy. We know this. I'm not trying to go completely off the grid or anything. Y'all know how much I enjoy me some pretties! But I'm wrestling with learning to be content and joyful in the Lord. I don't always know what that means, to be honest. And it's dangerous, I think, to simply blame our culture for these wants. I feel like that lets us off the hook and makes it easy to justify this behavior without working to change it/correct it.
Praying for His guidance and for contentment in all the blessings I can already call my own.
And, while I'm at it, praying for maturity as I get caught up on bills. I can't be pouting and throwing hissy fits when it comes to grown-up responsibilities anymore...I am almost 30, after all. ;)