I have paid my health insurance premiums diligently for, oh, a decade now. Having been self-employed for the majority of my adult years, I nevertheless always found a way to pay for my individual policy. And regardless of the fact that I am a very healthy young lady and never plan on having children (ergo saving you, like, a bagillion dollars...you're welcome), I never bitched about paying premiums, nor did you ever have to pay more than a few hundred bucks each year (as most visits went toward my deductible).
And yet, despite all the effort on my part to be a good "member," you have denied me coverage. DENIED. ME. COVERAGE. And your "reasoning?" Because I had some pre-cancerous moles removed.
First of all, I apologize. Yes, that's right. I. APOLOGIZE. profusely for being super pale and having ever stepped foot in the sun. (Don't worry, I also intend to write a very strongly-worded letter to the sun. It's only fair.)
Secondly, my bad for going to my yearly dermatology appointments (which is an absolute treat, let me tell you) and ALLOWING this health care professional to remove these dangerous spots from my skin. How selfish of me to not just take one for the team and let them progress to full blown melanoma so that you're gazillion-dollar company doesn't have to process the claim, seeing as how it's not like y'all actually paid toward that visit or anything. But I understand the administrative burden and it really is a lot to ask, dear Insurance Carrier.
Third, I am sure it is no big deal at all that you've cast me out into the world with no coverage whatsoever. BUT! I appreciate you referring me to the Texas Health Insurance Pool, seeing as how I'm most definitely a "high risk case." Sure, I'm unemployed and doing everything I can to keep gas in my car, but I can TOTALLY afford $500 a month. I think that's more than fair given that I go to the doctor twice a year for preventative care. I'm sure it balances out. Again, those administrative costs are a bitch, eh?
In closing, I understand the profound burden you bear as a ginormous conglomerate. I clearly asked way too much of you in my application for coverage, and I guess I really am just too much of a high risk for y'all. I would be happy to offer up my uterus in return for consideration of an appeal as a good faith gesture that I have intention whatsoever of using it, and therefore will never incur the cost of all those silly medical expenses associated with the children.
Regardless though, I totally hope you sleep well and don't at all dream of zombies eating half your organs, only to find out that you don't have a "zombie snack" clause underwritten in your own health insurance policy.