[Monday Rant] Don't think I don't see you creeping up...

Dear adorable, disgusting candy hearts,

I hate you.

The very sight of your distinctive, chalky shape makes me feel all violent and stabby on the inside. Even if I do have a Valentine. Which I don't. But I'm OK with that. Really. I am.

You should be ashamed of your unabashed declaration of sweet sentiments. I mean, you're just giving the goods away. You're setting an unnatural precedence given the current state of dating. (Hello, have you been out there lately, dear Conversation Hearts? It's madness. And innuendo. Bad innuendo, at that.) I sincerely think you should reconsider your message.

In fact, I have to give props to your uber-angry cousins: sweet little hearts with statements like "Hate You" and "Go Away." I know this seems counterintuitive to the Valentine's Day vibe, but I don't see that whole charade lasting much longer anyway. Perhaps you should get on board.

Like now.

Suck it,


  1. Yes! Please and thank you.

    They don't even TASTE good.

  2. Couldn't agree more. Stabby feelings and chalky taste in your mouth leads to nothing pleasant. I'm right behind you sister...and this is why we'll be roller skating. Done.

  3. I feel like I saw something last year about negative candy hearts, but now I can't find it. Sayings like, "suck it", "I hate you", etc. Those I want!

  4. A to the men. I hate those hearts. They have no messages that I would like to pass on to others. And they taste like poo. or cough-medicine poo.