Thanks for the Memories

Since I held out on y'all yesterday (and I know you simply cannot go on without an installment of me throwing a hissy fit over absolutely nothing), I give you a Tuesday morning rant...

There is a dance of sorts that takes place when you split from a longtime boyfriend/girlfriend. It's called the "How Much Communication is Kosher?" dance. You exchange a few text messages, boo-hoo through the phone as you break down and call because you had a rough day (i.e. "your" song came on the radio, hot mess ensues), or partake in the oh-so-dangerous "friends getting together over drinks to catch up." (Which, by the way, is probably the worst idea ever. Alcohol + ex-whatever + fragile emotions = worst hangover of your life, in so many, many ways.)

But nothing cures my forlornness quicker than those lonely damn text messages that continue long after they're acceptable (or welcome). After years and years of partnership and love, it's nice to know that you still think of me...at 2am. What. The. Eff. Now, I understand the power of some good lovin', but give me a break. It's never, "Hey, hows ur mom?" or, "Hope ur well. Parents n dog miss u." (Get it? It's text shorthand. I'm so clever.) That, I'd probably at least appreciate. I wouldn't respond, for sobbing out loud, but appreciate for sure. I do NOT, however, appreciate you texting me because you had a saucy dream about hot tubs and sexy time in public places. 'Oh really?' I think to myself. 'Because I had a dream that I could sleep through the night without the annoying bing-bong of a lonely message. Hello, four hours of sleep.'

In other news: I could barely sleep last night due to the intense throbbing of my right knee. I might need a cane. That, coupled with my out of control deadpanning as of late, probably means I am watching way too much House. I blame you, DVR.


  1. Holy shit the end made me laugh. Well done, ma'am.

    As for the Midnight TXTing, I'm somewhat guilty. While it was before I grasped the text message for the glory that it is (modern hyroglyphics I believe one dramatic scientist stated?), I was guilty of hitting up an ex for some post bar lovin'.

    Thankfully most women cannot resist me, due to my complete package of absolute male-ness, so I was never left hangin' with her. I think it also had something more to the fact of her just really liking to fuck, and 2am was the right time with my apartment being the right place.

    Oh, lifes great mysteries. The "jesus toast" of my life.

  2. does this happen a lot? and sweet jesus, i hope you didn't respond.

  3. Hey, I've engaged in some these bad behaviors myself, but there's an expiration date on these schenanigans. Know what I mean?

    Craigory - No, I didn't respond. I'm a lady! (Haha...)

  4. Limp w/cane is SO twenty-ten. Also serves as an excellent tool for bludgeoning the imbeciles.

  5. Hey I found your blog through shine...You're pretty awesome! Love your writing.

    I just went through this texting crap last night with an ex, and it was so frustrating. So I finally called him and yelled "you have a fucking girlfriend! no you can't come over!"

    Then today he thanked me for being a "good person".

  6. Tyler - True dat. Might improve my swagger...or give me one.

    Renee - That was my breaking point with Sr. Suavecito (whom I was talking about in this post). It's one thing to keep an old flame alive for far too long, but when they just get greedy and start overlapping, I've got zero tolerance. And I wouldn't be surprised if your naughty ex sends you another "Hey There" text after you've had some time to "cool down." :)

  7. At least go with something like "How are your parents... and that ass they gave you?"

    (Sorry, my fingers refuse to type in text speak.)