[Monday Rant] Road Rage and You

During my hour+ commute to work every morning, I witness all matter in sins when it comes to driving in close proximity to a bagillion other cars. As I would like to keep this post as concise as possible (tho, per usual, the asides will be out of control) (...like so), I will simply list some of my favorite violations, some of which are completely made up and don't technically break the law, but damn well should!

~Eighteen wheelers can't stop on a dime. Just because truck drivers allow five car lengths between them and the car in front of them, doesn't mean you and four of your friends should shimmy into that spot and risk having a jack-knifed truck in your boot. Also, if they need over, just let them over. Yes, they're slow and occasionally produce meteors, but be courteous and give those dudes a break. They're usually Cheeto-covered hot messes and could use all the mercy one can spare.

~When the light is flashing in a school zone, SLOW THE EFF DOWN. Don't try to weave and shake your fist at everyone driving so slowly around you. Take a hint, or don't complain when I pull you out of your car and kick you in the jimmies. I don't even like kids, but rules are rules.

~Don't play Speed Racer when shiz is bumper-to-bumper. I could spit nails when someone in front of me is driving at a speedy pace and suddenly whips around cars at a dead stop, causing me to nearly pummel into the stopped cars with mere seconds to respond and slam on my already squealing brakes. 'Preciate it, Speed.

~Brake check me one more time and I'll break your face.

~I don't leave my blinker on because it sounds funny and makes a pretty light show. I need over. I realize you are also on a schedule and need to get to work, but if your boss is going to chastise you for being 1.5 seconds later for letting another car in front of you, maybe you should call the Department of Labor and not take it out on me. I will cut you.

~Phantom driver in my blind spot, I may very well hurl a mace out my car window at you out of spite. Why and how are you ALWAYS THERE when I need to change lanes or get around someone going a fraction of the speed limit?! (And to that lady, stay out of the fast lanes; they're supposed to be fast....get it?)

~Get.off.my.tail. I generally get this point across quite passive-aggressively by turning on my windshield wipers and flashing the hazards (99.0% success rate), but I don't appreciate seeing nothing but a giant grill in my rear view mirror when I look back. Back it up, buddy.

This message is brought to you today by the lovely folks at WRR Classical 101.1. Without your Road Rage Remedy every morning and evening, I may very well be writing to you all from a padded cell.


  1. HA, I love you and all your mind has to offer... Keep writting!

  2. You? Took the words right out of my mouth. As usual.

    Except for this: It says "MERGE," not "BE AN ASSHOLE."

  3. This brought a HUGE smile to my face. And reminded me why I live where I NEVER drive in traffic!

  4. This was funny and very true. There is no faster way to lose faith in humanity than commuting to work.