On Applying the Friendship Paradigm* to Dating

*As I have been told I come across as pompous (read snotty bitch) when using esoteric words, here ya go:
par-a-digm (noun): a philosophical and theoretical framework of a scientific school or discipline within which theories, laws, and generalizations and the experiments performed in support of them are formulated

I am officially embarking on a new experiment.

(Pause for reaction.)

I seem to be more than capable of fostering balanced, meaningful friendships with my many awesome girlfriends, but when it comes to boyfriends, I am hopeless. It seems I have mastered the art of identifying and acquiring (wc?) said friends, but, for many reasons (a list blog waiting to happen), I seem to have the absolute worst taste in men and should win a medal for consistently picking the prize emotional disaster out of a dating hot mess haystack. Granted, none of these mistakes have ever hit me nor engaged in any other (ostensible) emotionally abusive behavior, so I guess I should give props where props are due. Way to go, idiot self.

So, in an effort to avoid spinster cat lady status, I am going to give this whole dating thing a go. Yes, I realize it's unnatural and wholly unnecessary to consciously wait a whole year between relationships to give things another try, but that's just how I roll. I've reflected my ass off.

To reduce the likelihood of another harrowing relationship, I am going to try and apply the approach I use when selecting girlfriends to picking potential beaus. It's all in the attitude: act like you don't need the shit, and they give you the shit for free. Or something like that. I don't have to have a boyfriend (or husband, for that matter). I would like to have one. A good one, even. This blasé attitude toward a significant other may explain my prolonged singledom, but I think it also makes me a great candidate for finding a legitimately cool mate, in that I don't jump in head first just because some hot dude gave me the eye. (Well, not anymore at least.) Same thing with my girlfriends: I don't have to keep my friend roster chock full in order to feel loved. In fact, I prefer having fewer, close friends. This should serve me well when it comes to dating too, me thinks.

Because I am not trying to sleep with the ladies with whom I go out on a regular basis (not that they aren't fabulously sexy and totally do-able), I am utterly myself, a fact that may or may not be appreciated by all. Nevertheless, I can enjoy myself, make stupid, "witty" jokes till I'm blue in the face, eat enough cheese to give Vermont the cheddar sweats, and feel totally unguarded. My tendency when it comes to dating is to do the exact opposite of this: my filter is on overdrive, I take in my surroundings in an attempt to keep quiet by means of overstimulation, and I try to keep my snackage down to a minimum (not that I thinking eating is a turn-off for Pete's sake, but rather the horfing sound I make while inhaling snack mix is not sexy, per se). But to hell with it! If they're ever going to make it to the Sunday stay-in-bed-athon status, they'd better accept that snacks will inevitably make their way into the bed (not in the naughty way), I don't wear makeup on the weekend (unless we're dining with dignitaries), and a fuzzy yellow robe is my idea of boudoir chic. Might as well make that known from the get-go to avoid any confusion and/or disappointment.

Also, and this is going to be more of a challenge, I am going to try and give guys (or at least a few of them) the benefit of the doubt. I believe my girlfriends are awesome until proven otherwise--and even then I tend to renege on my disappointment as soon as we share a good cry and renewed vows of friendship (insert wine here). I am going to at least pretend to believe that some guys can be equally worthy of this level of awesomeness. It's a self-inflicted attitude adjustment, as it were. Many things have occurred over the past year that have given me a renewed faith in men. Long-overdue to say the least, these developments have inspired me to hold fast to my belief that I can find someone who will absolutely adore me and not behave like a total A-hole...at least, not all the time. I mean, an eye for an eye, right?


  1. I'm quite interested in the things that have occurred that have given you a renewed faith in the male species. Storytime!

  2. I was hopeless for a LONG TIME and then, something just...shifted? and I found my sweet man...it is posssssssible

  3. Commenting ineloquently on the awesomeoness of this blog to see if I can :)

  4. How in holy pissing hell did I miss that you wrote this?

    Also, I love the way you inhale cheese like it's going out of style.

    Good luck, woman. If ever there were a catch, it's you. Well, and me...and April...and, well you know what I mean. You're incredible.

  5. As great as your girlfriends are, it's good that you recognize that men need the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes our friends have our best interests at heart but can be quick to judge.
    I was pretty cynical before I met Match, but then I kept an open mind, and I'm sure glad I did, because I would have missed out on the best relationship I've ever been in. Good luck to you! Love the blog!