Career Conundrum

I find myself at a crossroads….yet again. I have the very fortunate dilemma of having quite a bit of acting work coming my way over the next month (and, let’s hope, beyond) which is putting my day job in serious jeopardy. Every time I find myself in this predicament, I (1) curse myself for getting into this situation again by taking a job (even part-time) with set hours and (2) ask God why he couldn’t have built me to be content with a 9-5 job and the live-it-up-on-the-weekends kind of life. I know, I know, I know…this is a stupid thing to want. I have the luxury of choosing to work a part-time job…and now the luxury of choosing to leave it to pursue my dream. What the hell am I complaining about, right?

The answer: I’m not, really. I’m simply still grappling with what it means to be a career actress, once and for all. I am way too practical and organized to embrace the lifestyle that such a pursuit generally requires, and yet I can never find peace while working for another. My mom says it’s because I was meant for the life I am trying to live. Isn’t she amazing? And she’s right: everything in my life has lead me to my career as an actress. And yet I still struggle with it.

I guess being an actress is as much of my identity as anything else I have struggled with or fought for in the past, so this process is only fair. But that still doesn’t mean I like it. My face is all broken out and I am about to devour the plate of mini chocolate chip cookies that my mom made, damn her. But at the end of the day, I am blessed beyond belief and need to stop the whining.


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